Don't give me a designer's job

I am a programmer by profession. It’s the job I applied for; it’s what I have studied for, for over four years. It is also, what I am ‘good’ at; I think I am a natural programmer: the kind of person who naturally thinks methodically and doesn’t make assumptions, a person who feels comfortable only in definitive, deterministic circumstances. It is also, what I like. I would solve a programming problem just for fun, I would use programming to do petty (hehe…) real-life tasks, and on any given day, I would rather solve a programming puzzle than write an essay.

But, I design too.

Narcissism aside, I am really good at design too. I love typography. Beautifully set books literally turn me on (take that to mean what you may, but they actually raise my heartbeat, make me excited). I can look at font specimens for hours (and can spend more hours on the internet ‘finding’ them). I have produced some much appreciated artworktoo. I have been known to express complex mixtures of ideas through my designs. And I spend more time at this than any other activity that I don’t get paid for (save for sleeping, that's still a winner).

But, that’s not what my job is. It’s not my profession. It's true that I have done free-lance graphic designing in past, but even if I was offered a full-time job at the place where I currently work, I would not accept it. You see, I don't like to design what I am told or how I am told. They say that the mastery of the art is to work with constraints. As the constraints become tighter, skill is needed even more. And I agree with that. But for me, designing is not a task, it's not work that's to be done. I can't design for a paycheck. I can't take guidelines from someone when designing. I can't find the sweet spot between unbound artistic expression and deadlines. I design for myself, to give form to my feelings. I can't design to please anybody.

When I did freelance, I enjoyed what I produced. But the journey to that end was very tiring. It was exhausting, consuming, sometimes, even frustrating. I get obsessive about little details. And so, after hours and hours of judgment, I would settle on something, and just for a second opinion, show both versions to someone, and they couldn’t tell the difference. That part was very frustrating. Also, because I lacked the formal training in this field, I had to read so much just to get one theme in line with color harmonies, or one layout in line with natural design. And guess what? My clients couldn’t tell the difference. So I thought I couldn’t design for money. Or for people.

Don’t get me wrong, I like appreciation. I like it when others like what I do. But that’s not the reason I design for! It's true that if I came up with a ‘masterpiece’ and Asad comes along and says, ‘err… Saad, the tracking on this one's a bit off…,’ as much as I would like to tell him to go screw himself for belittling my child, I would not. I would probably think, ‘My boy does need a haircut’ and I would adjust the tracking. But Asad's approval is not why my child came into the world. That happened cause I wanted to make love.